Great Sales Sins – Trashing Your Competition

“Hi Bob, have you tried “natural” male enhancement? I saw the commercial on TV last night and immediately thought of you”

“Wow Barbara, that dress looks great. Did you get it in the “big girls” section at Lane Bryant?”

“So the wife and I just joined a swingers club……”

I would hope the readers of this blog would agree that these are lines that would exude a certain level of awkwardness and discomfort if they appeared in casual conversation.

However, as sales professionals we can generate similar feelings of discomfort with our prospects if we start to trash our competition.

I hate to burst your bubble, but you remember that great conversation you had where you felt like you and the prospect really “connected” and you shared how your competitor’s solution has been linked to Herpes Simplex 10?

Well here’s a news flash, your competitor had that same “connecting” conversation and when the subject of your company came up, he responded this with this:

“You are looking at ACME? You know they do very well in Java shops and I’ve seen some good press on them. However, knowing your internal infrastructure, project requirements, and with the fact that your CEO is sponsoring this project, I am confident that our solution, along with the reputation of our company, will not only surpass your technical needs, but offer a degree of comfort and validation that you are doing business with the industry leader.”

See the difference? Herpes vs. Industry Leader?

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Vendor to English Dictionary

“This is A Win/Win”
You didn’t beat the hell out of me on price, and god how I love you for it.

“We are strategic platform for your entire organization”
We will own you, your data, and your little dog too

“We are not a vendor, but a partner”
We are a Vendor

“Our Value Add”
Those one or two features that we do different from the other 1000 vendors out there and feel justified in charging 20% more than others.

“We are endorsed by your local association and/or user group”
There’s a good chance that I wrote a check to someone to be able to say that, and they will get a cut off any money you give me, and by the way, given a choice, I would rather be a partner with the Soprano family

“Our system is not compatible with 3rd party systems”
We want you to believe that we own you, and despite the fact that we sold you on our “open architecture” our system is more closed than Chik-Fil-A on a Sunday

“We provide a total solution”
We are one or two features behind the market on our technology so we compensate with Professional Services offerings

“This is cutting edge technology”
Beta Version

“Its coming in the next release”
I hope to all that is holy that this is coming in the next release

“Wow, that’s really thinking outside the box”
You are an idiot

“Our RFP Response is Comprehensive, It tells you who we are as a company”
I have no clue what you are trying to pull off so I threw the kitchen sink into our response

“We are a best of breed solution”
We don’t do much but this one thing

“That’s a pretty aggressive timeframe to be implemented”
Holy Crap, No Way Are You Going to make that date

“So you are a consultant, well have a great time at the trade show”
Please get the hell away from my trade booth and get somebody in here that has the power to buy something

“This guy wins our door prize”
This guy has my contracts and is ready to sign

“We provide a platform”
We have two products

“Instead of providing you a local reference, I would like to provide you with a reference that shares more of your operational characteristics”
We don’t have a reference in your area

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Signs Your Sales Leader is a Total Schmuck

One of those facts that you don’t really find in the 1000s of business books out there is that a Schmuck Vice President (SVP) in the wrong position can dramatically reduce the effectiveness of any organization, especially the sales team.

In working with members of the blog, we came up with a list of traits that have defined some of the schmuckier executives with whom we have had the experiencing of interacting.

10. Could eat corn on the cob through a barbed wire fence
Our first SVP had the bad fortune of having some of the worst dental work in recorded history. In addition to gross incompetence, this VP was characterized by an overbite that would have surely landed him a gig as an attraction in a low-budget fair and/or carnival.

Before you go and get all “peace on Earth and good will to all who resemble Howdy Doody” remember that a bad overbite can be fixed. If you are going to be an effective sales professional you need to have a physical appearance that merits a better reaction than “holy crap, I better go floss”.

9. Drives the same car you did in college, when you were broke
You are responsible for driving millions of dollars of revenue for an enterprise software company. You are in the big leagues with competitors like IBM, Microsoft, etc… You have a team of 30+ hungry sales professionals all eager to go out and take over the world….and you show up for work driving an Accord with cloth seats that you bought in the Bush (I) administration.

8. Has worked for your competitors, all of them, with an average tenure of 4 months
The schmuck factor here is not really focused on the schmuck himself but the uber-schmuck who hired him. “But he has industry experience” was the reasoning we heard from mahogany row with this winner was hired. Shockingly his tenure with us lasted…..about 4 months.

7. First day, suggests outsourcing the whole company to India
Ok maybe not the first day, but new SVP, starts talking aloud about how our East Coast-based inside sales team would be more effective based in the mid-west, maybe Colorado. In fact he has a friend who owns a telemarketing service out there, he’ll setup a meeting. Fun part was that he shared this information publicly with all of those whose jobs would be eliminated if the move where to happen, in his first few days on the job. Thank goodness he only last 4 months.
6. Supposed to have a killer Rolodex, can’t use email
How many newly hired executives have come on board with the claim of a personal network that, with a few well-placed phone calls, will generate millions in new revenue?

When your comp plan is about 20% below market and one of these “Power Networkers” shows up for an interview, go light up the schmuck signal.

5. Second day on job, promises raises to entire staff

What’s the saying? If you have to inform people of your level of importance, most likely it isn’t that high. How many new SVPs have come on board with promises like “oh yeah, you are underpaid I’m going to the Board tonight and I will fight for you”. Only to have #4 happen.

4. Third day, retracts said raises from entire staff
“Ummm, yeah, hey while I think you are great, the board told me no. By the way, can you give me a lift? My accord is in the shop.”

3. In contract negotiations with prospective clients, praises “partnership” of the two companies, offers a 2% discount if the contracts can be signed and teleported to HQ via star trek technology.
“I know that we are 20% more expensive than our brand name competitor, but we can get you an ACME t-shirt for you and 2 members of your team. But only if you agree to pay for the shipping on the t-shirts”

2. After repeated pleas from Sales Director “For the love of god, do not call the prospect’s purchasing department”, calls prospect’s purchasing department, gets purchase order pulled out system, forcing 6 month delay on purchase.
If you have ever sold to the government you know that the GSA purchasing doesn’t give a damn about your quarterly number.

1. Did not negotiate personal compensation plan.
If you are interviewing prospective candidates for an executive sales position, and they do not negotiate at all…….please throw the schmuck flag.

Do you know a schmuck? If so email us at , and together we can find a cure for this dreadful, executive condition.


Last week of the month/quarter/year walks around the office proclaiming “I will have that guy’s (the prospect’s) job if he doesn’t get that P.O. in by the end of the month

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Signs Your Sales Rep is About to Leave

So you are a sales director or a regional manager and you have suspicions that some members of your team may be looking for a career switch. Here’s a quick reference to help you decide who is staying, and who is not.

  • Shows up to work, exceedingly happy, like a guy who just came from the clinic and found that, no, Paris Hilton, didn’t give him “The gift that keeps on giving”.
  • While cold calling, asks to speak to the “Head A**hole in Charge”
  • Refers to your cutting edge solution as “A disaster in a box”
  • During demo, explains that, while not proven, he suspects that your new offering causes severe testicular shrinkage in Caucasian Methodists
  • On casual Fridays, shows up wearing “pornographic” T-Shirt that features an incredibly accurate likeness of your wife
  • Instead of the customary “hey”, greets everyone with a hug and whispers “come with me if you want to live”
  • Asks for assistance in downloading sales database to his jump drive. The new one emblazoned with your competitor’s logo.
  • Chats up manager by asking if he ever realized that his Porsche Boxter is more of a chick’s car
  • His LinkedIn profile has more personal detail than his DNA and the Title “For the Love of All This Holy, Get My Fat Ass Out of this Hellhole”.
  • His last expense reports include items ranging from “Mileage” to “War in Afghanistan”.
  • During team meeting, complements managers by saying their level of competence is on par with Michelle Bachmann’s      debate performance.

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Great Sales Sins – Spaghetti Selling

Spaghetti Selling is one of the reasons that former programmers make lousy software sales guys or why former bank examiners, or worse, consultants, usually stink at the revenue generation profession. Why?

Well first let’s clarify what we mean by spaghetti selling. You know when you cook spaghetti the easiest way to tell if the noodles are done is to throw on against a wall and see if it sticks, if it does its done. In spaghetti selling, you throw everything you know at your prospect and hope to hell something “sticks”. You pray for the “oh that’s interesting, I didn’t know you did that” moment.

Imagine you wanted to buy a car, and so you go to the dealership. When you get there two people sit you down and tell you the history of the automobile and the dealership, going into great detail about who invented the gasoline engine, when the dealership was started, how the pretty flags got hung in the parking lot, etc. Then after about 30 minutes, they start with the first car you come to and then show you ever other car on the lot. Then after the last car, you leave, they proclaim “call us if you want to buy something”.

When our sales teams competed against the bigger names in the business, a common complaint would be “they spent an hour talking about the history of their company, our CTO left after thirty min”. We loved these types of accounts!  We also found that our teams who kept their presentations relevant and focused on the needs of the client where far more successful than those who spent the first 20% of the meeting talking about the history, management, and market position of our company.

One of my prospects, who is now a client, shared with me at the start of our first meeting “What is it with you sales guys?  You are all the same.  I’ve had three presentations start with “Hey we are going to blow through a few slides then get into the good stuff.”  Then the first thirty minutes are spent talking about the least relevant and boring things.

I quickly turned to my Sales Engineer and said “Ixnay on the ideslay”.  We started the meeting with a dialogue with the client team and let that guide our presentation.  Not only was it far more effective for us, but we were able to expand the project so that it more closely fit our solution.

I am a big proponent of having only one slide dedicated to intros about you and your company, quite frankly the prospect has access to Google and can know everything they need about your company within a few clicks, don’t waste their time discussing the obvious.

To test your sales pitch for “spaghetti” find a big dude, someone bigger than you, to sit in on a practice pitch. The reason you want them bigger than you is because after a few minutes your desire to kick the crap out them will be overwhelming, and smaller people have a tendency to sue when you do that to them.

After each point in your pitch have the big dude yell at you “So what?”  Ex. “We have a virtual XML layer native to our architecture.”  Big Dude “So What?”  You “This will provide the ability to get broader distribution and use out of your content quickly and more cost effectively than other systems”.  If you do not have a credible reply, remove the point from your presentation.

Of course, this starts with effective listening. Know why the prospect is talking with you.  What problem is the client trying to solve?  What is the pain they are experiencing now? What are the direct and indirect costs of this pain?  Do they have written requirements? Whose budget will pay for this?  Who is the executive in charge of that budget?  What is their timeframe for making the decision?

To get you started, build one powerpoint slide with three bullet points and the title “We are to here to talk about….” With the following bullet points:

  • How we can help you <insert solution to primary problem> Example “How we can help you make your web presence more effective while lowering your operating costs
  • <secondary problem> How we can help you stay compliant with internal and external audit requirements, while speeding the flow of information internally
  • <monetary benefit> How we can allow your organization to accommodate future growth while maintaining a constant cost of ownership

Three bullet points that is it.  Trust me, the first time you build this slide it will be exhausting, because you will really have to dig deep into the client’s mindset to build this slide.  But once you do, you will have the attention of everyone in that conference room (or webex).

Good luck.

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The Wisdom of the Gatekeeper

One of the daily challenges for any sales warrior is trying to manage the position of the gatekeeper. These trained professionals a.k.a. “The Sales Prevention Team” are highly skilled at keeping us from sharing our incredible value with some of the most important business leaders in our territories.

After much begging, pleading, cajoling, and water boarding (just kidding), one of our favorite gatekeepers agreed to share a small amount of her infinite wisdom on how we should treat those who stand between us and our decision makers.

-From Michele Doucette – Gatekeeper Supreme

Having been a “hardcore” Gatekeeper for over 20 years, I have been asked many times, How does one get past the Gatekeeper? So many sales types are expecting that there is some set of magical words or phrases that will make me abandon my responsibility of protecting my executives and grant open access to some of the most important people in our organization.

Well, that’s not happening.

However there are some key “do’s and “don’ts” that will determine if your company gets included in one of our multi-million dollar projects or if you burned the bridge so badly we wouldn’t include you on a RFP for urinal cakes.

DO. Before calling, find the company’s website and see if they have a “Management Team” link in their “About Us” section. This way you may actually discover the name of the executive you need to reach BEFORE you contact the front desk. READ THIS AGAIN, absorb it into your pores, maybe even write it down. There’s nothing more annoying than hearing a LAZY cubicle monkey ask, “Can I speak to whoever is in charge of making your (fill in the blank) decisions?”

DO. Do speak to us nicely, we have feelings, and more authority than you can even begin to imagine. We deal with awkward phone calls and harassment ALL DAY LONG. We take a lot of abuse from telemarketers, recruiting agencies, irate clients, and occasionally our co-workers. Ask us how our day is going, how the weather is, etc. TRY to sound sincere; it can go a long way in helping you get where you need to go.

DO. Be aware of how Caller ID displays your company name. “Sell Co.” does not have a chance of making it through. If you block the name of your company with “Private Caller”, I will answer, keep you on hold while I Google the name of your company, and then tell you that no one is available. Sasser once suggested we try for “Free Beer, Hot Sex” as our Caller ID Badge. He really does think he’s funny.

DON’T. Don’t bother lying. Saying things like, “I’m returning (fill in the blank)’s call, or “I spoke with so and so last week and they asked me to follow up” just might get you through. BUT, if we find out you lied (the people we are paid to protect WILL let us know of our slipup), you will be our enemy, for life (this life term will not expire, we will remember you and your company LONG after we’ve left our current employer).

The next time you call, we will utter the words every salesperson loathes to hear, “REMOVE US FROM YOUR CALL LIST.” Ahhh, two years of silence from your pathetic spiels. We keep lists of who you are (I personally have a separate folder in my Internet favorites of each offending company’s website bookmarked for future reference) and we WILL contact the Better Business Bureau, the FCC as well as the FTC to file a complaint.

DON’T. DO NOT try to intimidate us. Many a salesperson (both men AND women, SHAME on you women) will revert to Neanderthal intimidation tactics when confronted by a diligent Gatekeeper. NEVER, EVER utter the words, “You’re just the receptionist” in anger, for this will be your death knell. The silence will be deafening just before you hear the almighty “click” of your last chance at getting through. EVER.

In your frustration and fury at my boldness for hanging up, should you feel the urge to call back and wish to speak with MY manager to complain about being treated with the same level of rudeness you instilled on me, (the Gatekeeper reports to EVERYONE, I can pick and choose WHICH manager to send you to), remember this…be careful what you wish for. I have no qualms whatsoever about passing you through, he/she will likely tear you a new one harsher than I because now you’re wasting both my time and THEIRS.

EXTRA CREDIT. If English is your second language and I have a hard time understanding you, YOU WILL NOT MAKE IT THROUGH. The kiss of death is to call, speaking in broken English, then ask for “whoever makes the decision on <insert topic here>”.

However, this may be a personal preference, but if you can affect an intriguing accent such as British, Scottish or Australian accent, you have a better shot at getting through a female receptionist. American women LOVE a bit of the brogue! Use words like lass, blimey, bits, ta, crikey, toodle pip and cheers. You will hear our voice light up! This will make it easier for you to “bond” with her while trying to “fish” for pertinent information.

A deep Southern accent, with a lot of “y’alls” and grammar that reinforces the fact that Georgia ranks 50th in SAT scores will not help. Mention that you have a blog, and I will hang up on you.

Thank you for calling and have a nice day,
Michele the Gatekeeper

Michele is currently protecting her executive team at a software company based in Boston, MA.

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So we are re-launching

While the popularity of the first generation of the Sales Wars exceeded our expectations in popularity, fun, and the ability to connect with new people; we decided it was time to relaunch the site, and update it with more best practices and productive discussions laced with relevant, yet slightly-disturbing humor.

So we are starting with a clean slate, a new case of beer, and some friends of ours who made parole.

We will be launching soon.


Thanks for your interest.


The Sales Wars Team

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