Tag Archives: enterprise sales

Signs Your Sales Rep is a Moron

Some sales-centric publications claim that 65% of sales people do not belong in sales. As a sales manager you wonder at times if that number is a tad low. However, as a service to our readers, we’ve put this quick reference list together to help you spot those 65%’ers in your organization.

Signs Your Sales Rep is a Moron

  • They talk more than anyone else
  • They try to create some remote, third-party connection with prospects. For example “Yeah, my cousin did time in your state. So we are like family.”
  • They claim that your solution can do everything, just name it. For example. “You want an open, yet proprietary architecture that will randomly reset the credentials in your enterprise single sign on layer? Oh heck, no problem.”
  • They know nothing about the prospect, their business model, or even the city in which the prospect is located, but pretend they do. For example “Valdosta, GA? Oh yeah, that’s where they grow those onions. It’s like a second home to me.” (Vidalia, GA grows the onions)
  • Their presentation is focused on the history of the company, the great things about the products and services, yet says nothing about how they will help the prospect or why really anyone should do business with your company. For example “Now that we are done with our three hour overview of our products for DOS, let’s talk pricing”
  • They won’t get off the phone even though the prospect has given valid reasons to support the claim that they are not interested. For example “Ok, I know that your bank really doesn’t do anything with South American Derivates, but can you at least watch our demo?
  • They trash the competition, a lot. For example “I’m not saying that your current vendor likes to skin the pelts off puppies, but have you ever seen a puppy around their offices?”
  • They start a blog for sales stories

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October 23, 2012 · 7:05 pm

Dated competitive intel is about as useful as a Kardashian math tutor

Competitive intelligence can help you position your solution on higher ground if used properly, but if you’re an idiot, it can be accelerate to a quick departure.

The best way to start this story is from the end. We hired a sales rep, Steve, who had recently worked at a competitor, “Blue Spot Technologies”. After his hiring, Steve shared how, at his old company, he competed against us once at an account that was one of the most bizarre and easiest wins for him and his company. He barely put forth any effort and was sure that he had lost when he received a phone call asking for contracts and the client’s nervous desire to be implemented as quickly as possible.

Now, as we rewind a little, the situation was that “Horizons Corporation” was evaluating solutions and had narrowed the finalist down to us and Blue Spot.

As part of their due diligence Horizons decided to have a PoC or “Proof of Concept” exercise. A PoC is where a vendor comes on-site and installs a reasonable representation of the proposed solution and has the technical teams and client users perform scripted exercises. As a vendor I despise these things, but if I were recommending how to evaluate solutions, this would be it.

So we schedule the PoC with Horizons with our rep Don and the Sales Engineer, DJ, the guy who would have to do the majority of the work.

As always seems to be the case, Horizons was located a good distance away from a major airport and our team had to drive several hours to reach their location. Because of scheduling conflicts DJ and Don had to travel separately.

DJ arrived early morning the first day and spent the better part of the day installing, configuring, and finally setting up our PoC system.

One of the issues that we were battling was that Blue Spot’s user interface was perceived as superior and our team’s job was to educate the prospect that the effectiveness of a user interface is relative to the task at hand.

While Blue Spot’s interface was great for editing content that was already posted on a website, it was poorly designed for creating a multi-page document, one of our strengths. After numerous hours, DJ’s attention to detail and thorough alignment of our solution with their challenges was yielding us some leverage in the evaluation.

With two hours left in the day, Don showed up.

Don enters the office, makes a brief exchange of handshakes and asks for a private office where he “could make some calls”. Nothing like putting the prospect first.

After some time Don emerges and declares” Who want steaks!!!? Tell me your best steakhouse in town and we are going!!!!!” The legend continues that he finished this off with some Neanderthal “booyaaa”, but those reports can’t be confirmed.

Two poor saps, who didn’t really want to go, but felt awkward in not accepting this sudden display of generosity, raised their hands.

On a side note here, our marketing team was responsible for maintaining a library of intelligence on our competitors. The challenge is this endeavor is that your competition doesn’t inform you of updates, so it was our understanding that we used this information only to help establish our position, not as a fodder for a full frontal assault. In fact at that time our intelligence on Blue Spot was pushing 18 months old. Don was given explicit instructions, DO NOT SHARE THIS WITH A PROSPECT!!!

So after some very expensive steaks, Don whips out the document and starts going down point by point. “Blue Spot can’t do this, so that’s bad” to which the prospect replies “No actually they do that, in fact, come to think of it, they do it better than you do”.

At this point DJ, not one to enjoy witnessing career suicide, picks up his drink and goes to play Golden Tee.

15 minutes later, DJ returns to the table to witness the prospect actually defending Blue Spot, with a fervor and zeal that exceeded the pitch that they received from the Blue Spot Sales Rep the previous week.

Don, unfazed by the omnipresent sense of failure, continues on to the second page of the out-dated intelligence document. The prospects respond with a stunned silence that was on line with what you would hear if someone quite loudly broke wind in church.

The after dinner coffees are finished and the members of the Horizons team bolt out the restaurant like greyhounds.

Don decides to debrief DJ over a few beers.

Don: “Man, that went great. It is ours to lose”.

DJ: “No……No…I don’t think so”

DJ then points out that at one point Don threw this gem out there “”OK requirement one… interface. So our interface is… you know what, I’m just going to give that one to Blue Spot, let’s take that off the table, ok?”

DJ was so enraged that he unconsciously snapped his pen while having the discussion. It was metal.

We lost the deal. Steve got his blue-bird phone call. DJ was reassigned away from Don.

Don was arrested the following week for trying to solicit sodomy from a state trooper.

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Filed under Business Humor, Great Sales Sins, Sales Presentations, Sales Strategies, Schmuck Factor

Great Sales Sins – Trashing Your Competition

“Hi Bob, have you tried “natural” male enhancement? I saw the commercial on TV last night and immediately thought of you”

“Wow Barbara, that dress looks great. Did you get it in the “big girls” section at Lane Bryant?”

“So the wife and I just joined a swingers club……”

I would hope the readers of this blog would agree that these are lines that would exude a certain level of awkwardness and discomfort if they appeared in casual conversation.

However, as sales professionals we can generate similar feelings of discomfort with our prospects if we start to trash our competition.

I hate to burst your bubble, but you remember that great conversation you had where you felt like you and the prospect really “connected” and you shared how your competitor’s solution has been linked to Herpes Simplex 10?

Well here’s a news flash, your competitor had that same “connecting” conversation and when the subject of your company came up, he responded this with this:

“You are looking at ACME? You know they do very well in Java shops and I’ve seen some good press on them. However, knowing your internal infrastructure, project requirements, and with the fact that your CEO is sponsoring this project, I am confident that our solution, along with the reputation of our company, will not only surpass your technical needs, but offer a degree of comfort and validation that you are doing business with the industry leader.”

See the difference? Herpes vs. Industry Leader?

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Vendor to English Dictionary

“This is A Win/Win”
You didn’t beat the hell out of me on price, and god how I love you for it.

“We are strategic platform for your entire organization”
We will own you, your data, and your little dog too

“We are not a vendor, but a partner”
We are a Vendor

“Our Value Add”
Those one or two features that we do different from the other 1000 vendors out there and feel justified in charging 20% more than others.

“We are endorsed by your local association and/or user group”
There’s a good chance that I wrote a check to someone to be able to say that, and they will get a cut off any money you give me, and by the way, given a choice, I would rather be a partner with the Soprano family

“Our system is not compatible with 3rd party systems”
We want you to believe that we own you, and despite the fact that we sold you on our “open architecture” our system is more closed than Chik-Fil-A on a Sunday

“We provide a total solution”
We are one or two features behind the market on our technology so we compensate with Professional Services offerings

“This is cutting edge technology”
Beta Version

“Its coming in the next release”
I hope to all that is holy that this is coming in the next release

“Wow, that’s really thinking outside the box”
You are an idiot

“Our RFP Response is Comprehensive, It tells you who we are as a company”
I have no clue what you are trying to pull off so I threw the kitchen sink into our response

“We are a best of breed solution”
We don’t do much but this one thing

“That’s a pretty aggressive timeframe to be implemented”
Holy Crap, No Way Are You Going to make that date

“So you are a consultant, well have a great time at the trade show”
Please get the hell away from my trade booth and get somebody in here that has the power to buy something

“This guy wins our door prize”
This guy has my contracts and is ready to sign

“We provide a platform”
We have two products

“Instead of providing you a local reference, I would like to provide you with a reference that shares more of your operational characteristics”
We don’t have a reference in your area

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Signs Your Sales Leader is a Total Schmuck

One of those facts that you don’t really find in the 1000s of business books out there is that a Schmuck Vice President (SVP) in the wrong position can dramatically reduce the effectiveness of any organization, especially the sales team.

In working with members of the blog, we came up with a list of traits that have defined some of the schmuckier executives with whom we have had the experiencing of interacting.

10. Could eat corn on the cob through a barbed wire fence
Our first SVP had the bad fortune of having some of the worst dental work in recorded history. In addition to gross incompetence, this VP was characterized by an overbite that would have surely landed him a gig as an attraction in a low-budget fair and/or carnival.

Before you go and get all “peace on Earth and good will to all who resemble Howdy Doody” remember that a bad overbite can be fixed. If you are going to be an effective sales professional you need to have a physical appearance that merits a better reaction than “holy crap, I better go floss”.

9. Drives the same car you did in college, when you were broke
You are responsible for driving millions of dollars of revenue for an enterprise software company. You are in the big leagues with competitors like IBM, Microsoft, etc… You have a team of 30+ hungry sales professionals all eager to go out and take over the world….and you show up for work driving an Accord with cloth seats that you bought in the Bush (I) administration.

8. Has worked for your competitors, all of them, with an average tenure of 4 months
The schmuck factor here is not really focused on the schmuck himself but the uber-schmuck who hired him. “But he has industry experience” was the reasoning we heard from mahogany row with this winner was hired. Shockingly his tenure with us lasted…..about 4 months.

7. First day, suggests outsourcing the whole company to India
Ok maybe not the first day, but new SVP, starts talking aloud about how our East Coast-based inside sales team would be more effective based in the mid-west, maybe Colorado. In fact he has a friend who owns a telemarketing service out there, he’ll setup a meeting. Fun part was that he shared this information publicly with all of those whose jobs would be eliminated if the move where to happen, in his first few days on the job. Thank goodness he only last 4 months.
6. Supposed to have a killer Rolodex, can’t use email
How many newly hired executives have come on board with the claim of a personal network that, with a few well-placed phone calls, will generate millions in new revenue?

When your comp plan is about 20% below market and one of these “Power Networkers” shows up for an interview, go light up the schmuck signal.

5. Second day on job, promises raises to entire staff

What’s the saying? If you have to inform people of your level of importance, most likely it isn’t that high. How many new SVPs have come on board with promises like “oh yeah, you are underpaid I’m going to the Board tonight and I will fight for you”. Only to have #4 happen.

4. Third day, retracts said raises from entire staff
“Ummm, yeah, hey while I think you are great, the board told me no. By the way, can you give me a lift? My accord is in the shop.”

3. In contract negotiations with prospective clients, praises “partnership” of the two companies, offers a 2% discount if the contracts can be signed and teleported to HQ via star trek technology.
“I know that we are 20% more expensive than our brand name competitor, but we can get you an ACME t-shirt for you and 2 members of your team. But only if you agree to pay for the shipping on the t-shirts”

2. After repeated pleas from Sales Director “For the love of god, do not call the prospect’s purchasing department”, calls prospect’s purchasing department, gets purchase order pulled out system, forcing 6 month delay on purchase.
If you have ever sold to the government you know that the GSA purchasing doesn’t give a damn about your quarterly number.

1. Did not negotiate personal compensation plan.
If you are interviewing prospective candidates for an executive sales position, and they do not negotiate at all…….please throw the schmuck flag.

Do you know a schmuck? If so email us at Sales.Wars@gmail.com , and together we can find a cure for this dreadful, executive condition.

Bonus

Last week of the month/quarter/year walks around the office proclaiming “I will have that guy’s (the prospect’s) job if he doesn’t get that P.O. in by the end of the month

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Signs Your Sales Rep is About to Leave

So you are a sales director or a regional manager and you have suspicions that some members of your team may be looking for a career switch. Here’s a quick reference to help you decide who is staying, and who is not.

  • Shows up to work, exceedingly happy, like a guy who just came from the clinic and found that, no, Paris Hilton, didn’t give him “The gift that keeps on giving”.
  • While cold calling, asks to speak to the “Head A**hole in Charge”
  • Refers to your cutting edge solution as “A disaster in a box”
  • During demo, explains that, while not proven, he suspects that your new offering causes severe testicular shrinkage in Caucasian Methodists
  • On casual Fridays, shows up wearing “pornographic” T-Shirt that features an incredibly accurate likeness of your wife
  • Instead of the customary “hey”, greets everyone with a hug and whispers “come with me if you want to live”
  • Asks for assistance in downloading sales database to his jump drive. The new one emblazoned with your competitor’s logo.
  • Chats up manager by asking if he ever realized that his Porsche Boxter is more of a chick’s car
  • His LinkedIn profile has more personal detail than his DNA and the Title “For the Love of All This Holy, Get My Fat Ass Out of this Hellhole”.
  • His last expense reports include items ranging from “Mileage” to “War in Afghanistan”.
  • During team meeting, complements managers by saying their level of competence is on par with Michelle Bachmann’s      debate performance.

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Great Sales Sins – Spaghetti Selling

Spaghetti Selling is one of the reasons that former programmers make lousy software sales guys or why former bank examiners, or worse, consultants, usually stink at the revenue generation profession. Why?

Well first let’s clarify what we mean by spaghetti selling. You know when you cook spaghetti the easiest way to tell if the noodles are done is to throw on against a wall and see if it sticks, if it does its done. In spaghetti selling, you throw everything you know at your prospect and hope to hell something “sticks”. You pray for the “oh that’s interesting, I didn’t know you did that” moment.

Imagine you wanted to buy a car, and so you go to the dealership. When you get there two people sit you down and tell you the history of the automobile and the dealership, going into great detail about who invented the gasoline engine, when the dealership was started, how the pretty flags got hung in the parking lot, etc. Then after about 30 minutes, they start with the first car you come to and then show you ever other car on the lot. Then after the last car, you leave, they proclaim “call us if you want to buy something”.

When our sales teams competed against the bigger names in the business, a common complaint would be “they spent an hour talking about the history of their company, our CTO left after thirty min”. We loved these types of accounts!  We also found that our teams who kept their presentations relevant and focused on the needs of the client where far more successful than those who spent the first 20% of the meeting talking about the history, management, and market position of our company.

One of my prospects, who is now a client, shared with me at the start of our first meeting “What is it with you sales guys?  You are all the same.  I’ve had three presentations start with “Hey we are going to blow through a few slides then get into the good stuff.”  Then the first thirty minutes are spent talking about the least relevant and boring things.

I quickly turned to my Sales Engineer and said “Ixnay on the ideslay”.  We started the meeting with a dialogue with the client team and let that guide our presentation.  Not only was it far more effective for us, but we were able to expand the project so that it more closely fit our solution.

I am a big proponent of having only one slide dedicated to intros about you and your company, quite frankly the prospect has access to Google and can know everything they need about your company within a few clicks, don’t waste their time discussing the obvious.

To test your sales pitch for “spaghetti” find a big dude, someone bigger than you, to sit in on a practice pitch. The reason you want them bigger than you is because after a few minutes your desire to kick the crap out them will be overwhelming, and smaller people have a tendency to sue when you do that to them.

After each point in your pitch have the big dude yell at you “So what?”  Ex. “We have a virtual XML layer native to our architecture.”  Big Dude “So What?”  You “This will provide the ability to get broader distribution and use out of your content quickly and more cost effectively than other systems”.  If you do not have a credible reply, remove the point from your presentation.

Of course, this starts with effective listening. Know why the prospect is talking with you.  What problem is the client trying to solve?  What is the pain they are experiencing now? What are the direct and indirect costs of this pain?  Do they have written requirements? Whose budget will pay for this?  Who is the executive in charge of that budget?  What is their timeframe for making the decision?

To get you started, build one powerpoint slide with three bullet points and the title “We are to here to talk about….” With the following bullet points:

  • How we can help you <insert solution to primary problem> Example “How we can help you make your web presence more effective while lowering your operating costs
  • <secondary problem> How we can help you stay compliant with internal and external audit requirements, while speeding the flow of information internally
  • <monetary benefit> How we can allow your organization to accommodate future growth while maintaining a constant cost of ownership

Three bullet points that is it.  Trust me, the first time you build this slide it will be exhausting, because you will really have to dig deep into the client’s mindset to build this slide.  But once you do, you will have the attention of everyone in that conference room (or webex).

Good luck.

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